It's a Daily Struggle

Life is pretty hard right now. When Justin was in Singapore last, I realized that I was suffering from postpartum depression and needed to get some help, which is what I've done and am continuing to do. I don't think anyone was surprised by this news, especially my mother and sister who both had been thinking I had PPD but didn't know how to tell me. It's hard to tell someone you think they are suffering from depression. I really had been watching myself for the signs because, as my counselor says, I'm a pretty self-aware person, but I really thought I was just sleep-deprived. "If I could just get some sleep, everything would be better," I kept telling myself. (I am sleep-deprived, but it's much more than that!)

But when I really began to look at my life over the past few months, I began to realize that I had emotionally checked out a lot of the time and become pretty irritable the rest of the time. I was (and still am) having a hard time concentrating on things and getting my brain to focus. Taking the boys anywhere seemed like a monumental task. And Caleb started getting very irritable and angry with me...mirroring his mother's behavior back to her!

So, in the interest of honesty and in order to preserve these memories, good, bad, or indifferent, I'm sharing this with all of you. That's why I haven't been around much lately. I've had to take a step back. Most of the time I don't have the energy or care to be at the computer. And I've had to stop reading a lot of the blogs I used to read because I have a severe case of "I don't measure up to other people's expectations" syndrome. I've had to take a hard look at myself and what I expect. My expectations for myself have been completely out-of-whack.

I kept beating myself up for not doing what I expected I should be able to do. "Look at so-and-so...she's homeschooling 10 kids and I can't even get all three of us dressed on most days. What's wrong with me?" These are the kinds of thoughts that have been rampant in my head in the past months. Not very helpful!

I'm working with my doctor, and I hope the roller coaster of emotions will slow down soon. It's already gone from a huge, dipping roller coaster to a more smooth one. There are still good days and bad days and bad weeks, but I haven't cried all day in three weeks, so that's definitely an improvement!

For now, I'm continuing to see a counselor to work on my expectations and coping skills for the things that are putting the most stress on me right now.

It's getting better. But every single day is a struggle to do the things I don't feel like doing. Some days I succeed. And some days I don't. But that's okay.

I'm getting help. And I desperately need it.