One of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go right?

Yesterday was one of those days. I've been running a fever of 101 for 4 days now (yes I'm now on antibiotics), I have a terrible sore throat and cough, and I've been generally feeling pretty yucky. I picked up Caleb and Angel (the girl I keep on T/Th) from Mother's Day Out and in my fever-induced stupor I rear-ended a lady at a stoplight. With 3 kids in the car, one of which is not mine. It was very minor, very little damage and no injuries, but highly annoying and frustrating. For an hour, we had to sit there while the deputy got all the information, input it into the computer, etc., etc., etc. Meanwhile, I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old in the back seats asking me constant questions about when we're going to leave and what is the policeman doing. Oh, and of course Caleb had to potty the whole time and I couldn't do anything about it. When I called the insurance company later, the guy asked me if my day had been going well before the accident. Ummm, no.

I'm having my gall bladder removed next Thursday morning. I need to get better before then!

I just dropped my kids off at a sweet friend's house for the morning so I can get some rest. I'm off to the couch!

It's Gotta Come Out

I went to see the surgeon yesterday. Apparently the HIDA scan showed that my gall bladder does not squeeze like it should. So, I'm going to be scheduling surgery in the next couple of weeks. He said as long as they are able to do it laproscopicaly, there are no restrictions on activity, and I should be back to normal in a week. I'll just be glad to have the pain gone!

Not breastfeeding Levi for over 2 days actually went well. He took great to the bottle, and, amazingly, I had enough milk saved up to last those two days. He is VERY happy to have his mommy feeding him again, though! ;-)

Caleb is at Grandma's house today (we're heading there tonight), so I have lots of time to get things done today. Off to shower while Levi naps!

Goings On

A lot has been going on here lately...

This weekend we took our first camping trip with the boys. It was an experience. The days were GREAT; several families from our Life Group went and we had a lot of fun. The weather was amazing...cool and not humid!! The night, however, was rough. Caleb woke up at 1:30 crying at the top of his lungs. We're not sure what was wrong, but everyone heard him since we were sleeping in a tent! He, of course, then woke Levi up and he started crying as well.

Caleb also decided that Friday was the day he was going to go on the potty every.single.time. We were thrilled that potty-training has come easy for him, but we were headed to the campground where the bathroom was quite a little walk. So, too many times to count, we headed to the bathroom when Caleb needed to potty. By the end of Saturday, we had convinced him that it was special and cool to teetee on a tree (way closer than the potty!). :-) Only when we're camping! He's had a dry diaper now for almost 4 days and even went poopoo on the potty yesterday. I wasn't ready to start potty training yet, but all his friends at Mother's Day Out are doing it, so peer pressure won out and he wanted to go on the potty, too! Works for me!!

In other big news, Caleb gave up his pacifier about a month ago. One night I was home alone with them and noticed his pacifier had little tiny holes/slits in it (we think he grinds his teeth at night). I told him it was broken and he had to throw it away. Now he thanks God during nighttime prayers for "help me throw my paci away." :-)

Levi is now eating baby food regularly. He took a lot longer to get the concept than Caleb did, but he's eating more than a jar at a sitting.

I'm going in for a HIDA scan tomorrow of my gall bladder. They will inject some nuclear substance into my bloodstream and then inject something else to make my gall bladder "squeeze." I cannot nurse Levi for 48 hours after the test because of the nuclear stuff in my body, so I've been pumping like crazy for the past 5 days trying to get enough milk saved up for those 2 days. Luckily, now that he's on baby food, he's not taking as much milk.

I go in to see the surgeon on Thursday and he will evaluate the test results. We'll go from there. My family doctor thinks it will be have to be removed, but, as a lady at church told me yesterday, "no it won't. We'll pray for that!"

That's our crazy life these days. :-)

How Fast Do You Type?

This was fun!

93 words

Speed test

So Much Is Going On!

I know I haven't posted in such a long time, so I thought I'd jump on here really quick and give you all an update.

My PPD medication is working marvelously. Everyone is commenting that I seem happier, I'm talking faster, and I'm just better. It's wonderful to be able to feel "normal" again.

Levi is sitting up on his own (and has been for a month!) and is now eating baby food. Time flies so fast when they are this age!

Caleb has had a stomach bug for the last week. We thought it was gone, but then he got sick at lunch yesterday (at the table at a restaurant. lovely.). Not sure what's going on with him. (Right now Caleb is talking on his pretend phone to his Daddy saying, "Oh really? That's good. See you tonight." Think he's been listening to me talk on the phone?) :-)

I was up for an hour and a half last night in excruciating pain that I'm pretty sure was a gall bladder attack. I am very sore this morning. This does not make me happy. I've got to call my doctor and find out what she wants to do about that. She was trying to run tests on my gall bladder when I found out I was pregnant with Levi, and we had to stop because the test she wanted to do is dangerous in pregnancy. My mom had her gall bladder out at a pretty young age, so this does not come as a surprise to me. I just hope I'm not going to need surgery.

I also recently started a business with Southern Living At HOME. I'm so excited! It's a great way to have some adult conversation a couple of hours a week and still take care of my kids full time! (I would link to my website here, but it's got my full name and contact info, and I don't want the whole internet having access to that! Email me if you want to see it.)

So, that's what is going on with us. Living life.

Good Friday

I woke up this morning singing this song and thought I'd share it here. Amazing Love, indeed, that you my King would die for me!




I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.

(Chorus)
Amazing love,

How can it be

That You, my King, would die for me?

Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.

You are my King
Jesus You are my King

~Chris Tomlin
"Amazing Love"

Half a Year

Can you believe that Levi is 6 months old already? We definitely cannot.

We went for his check-up today, and Levi's stats are:
weight--19 lbs. 5 oz. (85%)
height--27 1/4" (80%)

Here is Caleb's Half a Year Post. Caleb's stats were 16 lbs. 3 oz.,26" long (25% in height and weight).

What is my big brother doing?

Kisses from Caleb:

What?

Oh...Hi Mommy!

Big boy in the Jumperoo:

Caleb in the Jumperoo.

Our little boy is growing up!

Caleb's been at my parent's house since Tuesday with his cousin, Ava. They are having a great time playing together and going to work with Grandma (she's one brave lady!). I miss him so much...it's been pretty quiet around here! We'll be heading there tomorrow for Easter weekend.

Ever since the time change, Levi has reverted back to not sleeping through the night. Ugh. Hopefully he'll get back on schedule soon!

Happy Easter everyone!

This Story Saddens Me

Have you heard about the study of girls aged 14 to 19 and the number of STDs they have?

Read the news story here.

My New Favorite Song

Note: There are a few graphic images of the crucifixion...if you have little ones with you, you might want to wait.

Edited to Add: It's "God With Us" by Mercy Me. Just beautiful!

Overheard

In the car this morning...

Caleb: "I so proud of you, Levi. That's a big spit!"

:-)

And, I keep a little girl in our Life Group on Tuesdays and Thursdays before and after Mother's Day Out. Is age 4 when the non-stop questions start? Because oh.my.goodness! I've never heard a child ask so many questions. "Why? Why? Why? But why?" is pretty much how our day goes. ;-)

Where God Go?

We've been giving Caleb money to put in the collection basket at church on Sunday mornings. Yesterday, we were explaining to him before it came around that when we put money in the basket, we're giving that money to God.

When the guy came to pass us the basket, Caleb looks at him and says really loudly, "That's God?"

Ummm. Not exactly. ;-)

When the guy walked to the rows behind us, Caleb says equally as loudly as he's looking around, "Where God go?"

Everyone around us got a good chuckle.

I love the innocence of a little one's mind!

We Turned a Corner

I hated to make this announcement on Monday, but now that it's a pattern...Levi is sleeping through the night! Oh, sweet sleep...I have found you again (except that I've had a sore throat every night, but whatever...)

We've been putting him to bed about 7:30, then I go in around 10:00 to feed him one last time, and he's been sleeping for 6-9 hours past then before he eats again and usually goes back to sleep.

The key is, he's a stomach sleeper. He learned to roll from back to front over a month ago, but he would get really mad when he rolled onto his stomach. We'd flip him over, and then he'd just roll back. He finally gave up and started sleeping on his stomach, and it's been wonderful ever since!

Hallelujah!

And, my mom gave me the gift of having my house cleaned (by other people), and they are coming today. Ahhhhh. I love a clean house! (My house has been the one thing through this depression that has bothered me the most. I just couldn't even get the energy or motivation to keep it straight, let alone clean. And a messy house with a clouded brain do not make a good mix!) Thanks, Mom!

I'm Doing Better

So many of you have emailed or called to see how I'm doing. I really appreciate it. I've been amazed at the support I've gotten from everyone. It was encouraging for me to get such a positive response from my last post and hear how many other women have struggled through this same thing. One of my goals in therapy was to blog about this journey, and my therapist was so pleased to hear how supportive everyone had been. It's scary to put yourself out there like that!

Things are better around here. I've actually been able to do things like run errands, keep the house straight (until I got sick this week!), and be engaged with the kids. These seem like small things, but they have been HUGE things for me. Breakthroughs for sure!

It's still a struggle some days to make myself do the things I absolutely don't feel like doing, but it is getting better. I haven't had a day where I cried off and on since I started the medication and therapy. That is a huge blessing. My emotions have evened out, and I'm starting to feel "normal" again.

Through my therapy and my own self-evaluation, I realize that I've been feeling down for a long time. Pretty much throughout my pregnancy with Levi and definitely since he was born. I can't remember the last time I felt as good as I do on my good days. It's been interesting to look back over the past year or more and see how this has evolved. Apparently women who have hard pregnancies like I did are more prone to depression. I can definitely see why. My hormones have been a mess for a LONG time now!

My goal in therapy now is to redefine what I think a good mom is for me. I've looked at so many other people's lives and what they're doing for so long that I don't even know what it means for me to be a good mom to my kids. What are my goals with my kids? What are my expectations for myself and my family? These are the things I need to work out in my head and in my heart to keep my expectations from going completely nuts again. What has God called me to do with my kids? That's the big one. God isn't calling me to do what every other mom out there is doing with her kids. He's called me to specific things with my children. My family is different than every other family. We have different backgrounds, different situations, and different children.

I'm so blessed to have a husband who is as wonderful as Justin. He has been so supportive of this whole journey, and will call when he's on his way home to ask as politely as possible if he needs to pick up dinner. You just never know around here if it's been a day where cooking dinner was even in the realm of possibility! I could not have made it this far this quickly without a husband who loves me and wants to help me as much as possible.

It's going to be a struggle for a while, I know, but things are looking up and I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.

Thanks so much for all your prayers for us. They are being answered!

It's a Daily Struggle

Life is pretty hard right now. When Justin was in Singapore last, I realized that I was suffering from postpartum depression and needed to get some help, which is what I've done and am continuing to do. I don't think anyone was surprised by this news, especially my mother and sister who both had been thinking I had PPD but didn't know how to tell me. It's hard to tell someone you think they are suffering from depression. I really had been watching myself for the signs because, as my counselor says, I'm a pretty self-aware person, but I really thought I was just sleep-deprived. "If I could just get some sleep, everything would be better," I kept telling myself. (I am sleep-deprived, but it's much more than that!)

But when I really began to look at my life over the past few months, I began to realize that I had emotionally checked out a lot of the time and become pretty irritable the rest of the time. I was (and still am) having a hard time concentrating on things and getting my brain to focus. Taking the boys anywhere seemed like a monumental task. And Caleb started getting very irritable and angry with me...mirroring his mother's behavior back to her!

So, in the interest of honesty and in order to preserve these memories, good, bad, or indifferent, I'm sharing this with all of you. That's why I haven't been around much lately. I've had to take a step back. Most of the time I don't have the energy or care to be at the computer. And I've had to stop reading a lot of the blogs I used to read because I have a severe case of "I don't measure up to other people's expectations" syndrome. I've had to take a hard look at myself and what I expect. My expectations for myself have been completely out-of-whack.

I kept beating myself up for not doing what I expected I should be able to do. "Look at so-and-so...she's homeschooling 10 kids and I can't even get all three of us dressed on most days. What's wrong with me?" These are the kinds of thoughts that have been rampant in my head in the past months. Not very helpful!

I'm working with my doctor, and I hope the roller coaster of emotions will slow down soon. It's already gone from a huge, dipping roller coaster to a more smooth one. There are still good days and bad days and bad weeks, but I haven't cried all day in three weeks, so that's definitely an improvement!

For now, I'm continuing to see a counselor to work on my expectations and coping skills for the things that are putting the most stress on me right now.

It's getting better. But every single day is a struggle to do the things I don't feel like doing. Some days I succeed. And some days I don't. But that's okay.

I'm getting help. And I desperately need it.

Not off the charts, but close

Levi, at 4 months old, weighs 17 1/2 pounds. That's what Caleb weighed at 9 months, which is probably why Levi is now wearing 9 month clothes. My mom bought Levi some warm clothes this weekend because Caleb's hand-me-downs in size 9 months are all sleeveless, since it was July in Texas when he was wearing them. Levi had better slow down or we'll be needing a whole new wardrobe for him, and I have tubs of little boy clothes in the attic!

Anyway, his weight is in the 90th percentile and his height (26") is in the 85th. He's a big boy! Ava Grace goes in for her one-year check-up on Thursday, and I'm anxious to find out if Levi has surpassed her in the weight department. He sure feels like it!

In other news, I had my yearly thyroid check last week (I've been taking thyroid medication for 10 years for under-active thyroid), and my doctor said today that I needed a slightly higher dosage. That might explain some of the exhaustion I've been feeling. I thought it was beyond what I should be feeling, even with the little amount of sleep I'm getting these days. She called me in the medication, and I have to go back in 8 weeks for some more blood work. I hope it helps.

Levi's doctor didn't have a clear answer as to his sleeping problems. He said to try and feed him a bottle of pumped milk at about 10:00-10:30pm and then nurse him to try and "tank him up." He said if he still wakes up in 3 hours, then he's got a "clock problem" and needs to have his clock reset, which involves me soothing him and letting him cry himself back to sleep instead of feeding him. It's hard to tell with breastfed babies how much they're actually taking in during a feeding, which is why he wants me to feed him a bottle. I'll be sure and let you know how it goes.

Oh, and I'm with all of you...I completely disagree with the Look-A-Like Meter. I guess it just depends which picture you choose for them to compare because I think Levi looks more like me and Caleb like Justin. But the brown eyes/brown hair, blue eyes/blond hair probably influences my thinking more than who they actually favor.

Gratuitous Pictures of the Kids

Here's a picture post, especially for the grandparents and The Daddy who's away. ;-)

Most of these were taken within the last month...I'm really behind on posting pictures, to which I'm sure Mimi will attest! :-)

(And even though Levi is wearing the same pajamas in several of the pictures, the top two pictures are from today and the ones near the bottom are from the middle of December.)

Brotherly love:

my brown-eyed boy (aka, the one that finally looks something like me)

Caleb saying, "cheese" and wearing his new Thomas sweatshirt

my sweet Caleb at Mimi's house for Christmas

me and my "chunky monkey" :-)

I could kiss those cheeks ALL day!

Sweet laughing

How can you resist this?

Playing in snow for the first time:

Aggiejenn Levi Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Aggiejenn Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs - Collage - Morph

When the Daddy's Gone

...everything seems to unravel. Justin's in Singapore again. Caleb woke up Saturday night throwing up. Twice. Changing sheets and clothes (mine and his) more than once. At least one of the boys was up about every hour last night (at 3:30, Caleb informed me that he wanted to get up. I reminded him it was the middle of the night and put him back to bed). This mommy is teetering on the edge of an exhaustion meltdown. I need some rest soon.

I wonder when I'll post about things other than not getting any sleep?

(Levi goes in for his 4-month check-up tomorrow and I suspect he'll be off the charts!)

1000 Gifts, Part 5

Today is one of those hard days that threatens to completely overwhelm me if I don't do something about it. So, I pulled out my notebook and started adding to my list.

128. two brothers who smile at the sight of one another
129. Caleb's sweet toddler prayers
130. those who are able to help me figure out Levi's sleeping and eating problems
131. that every morning is a chance to start over
132. an online Bible study group and women there who, like me, want a revival of their spiritual lives
133. the opportunity to have friends in our home for dinner
134. that my mom read about an awesome prayer journal and went in search of one for me
135. the sweet Christian women at Caleb's school who love him
136. that an old teaching friend is seeking the Lord--Praise God!
137. for the chance to see good friends face-to-face
138. strong coffee with breakfast to wake sleepy eyes and minds
139. good, intelligent TV shows on DVD
140. homemade bread fresh from the oven, baked by a sweet neighbor friend and delivered to my doorstep
141. napping children, resting up for an afternoon of play
142. spontaneous "I love you, Mommy"
143. hugs around my knees
144. sweet smiles from a giggly baby boy
145. friends who invite us for a mommy lunch and playtime
146. the nursing moms room at church--where fellowship and feeding go hand-in-hand
147. for Sunday morning Bible class
148. for random calls from a good friend asking how things are

I feel better already.

Start your own list of gratitude...