The Year of Here

The boys and I got a book from the library recently called Now It Is Winter. It's about a little mouse who wants to know if spring will ever come, who wonders if he will get to do all those things that spring brings ever again. His mother assures him that spring will come, but that winter has so many things that only winter brings so he should enjoy them now. Snow angels. Ice skating. Snowmen. Eating oatmeal with brown sugar.

At the end of the story, the mother says, "Now is the blessing. Now is the time to love. Now is the time to be."

Those words resonated with me because I've been thinking about what I want this year to be for me. Who do I want to be at the end of this year? What do I want to have accomplished?

This is the year of here.

"Now is the blessing. Now is the time to love. Now is the time to be."

Here. present wherever I am. thankful for where I am. not distracted. not wishing to be somewhere else. or someone else. content. with who I am. and where I am. fully engaged. present for my children and husband.

"I profane this moment when I won’t stay in it.

I desecrate now when I dismiss it in my push for the next."

-(Ann Voskamp, aholyexperience.com)

I don't want to always be pushing for the next moment. I don't want to wish my kids would grow up just a little bit faster or wish we lived in Texas when we don't. I just want to be here where God has put me. And do the things He has planned for me. Give my children the mother they deserve.

And not always be wanting things to be different.

Live in the HERE and now.

More of the Random

-I am as tired as I ever remember being (other than when we had newborns in the house). Caleb has been waking up at 3am almost every night for weeks now. I have no idea what is going on, and he usually does not stay awake very long, but he always comes in to wake me up and sometimes there is musical beds going on (Caleb ends up in my comfy, soft bed, and I end up in his not as comfy, not as soft bed). I have been yawning HUGE, deep yawns all day, and I might be asleep before the kids tonight (especially if they keep getting out of their beds, like they are at this very moment, and not sleeping).

-This is why I can only write in list style. I am not firing on all cylinders.

-Caleb is obsessed with and also terrified of two things recently: 1) exploding buildings and 2) meteors. Today in the elevator he asked me TWICE if I thought they had exploded a building today. I told him somewhere in the world they probably did. We were at a mall the other day, and he saw a man with a whistle (probably directing traffic outside), and he was scared to death they were about to explode the building we were in. I do not know where this has come from, but it probably has something to do with the not sleeping.

-I got my haircut today. It has been 6 months since I had it cut last, mostly because it's really difficult for me to trust people to cut my curly hair. It isn't the same as cutting straight hair, even thought most hairdressers treat it the same.

-I went in for a trim (cut off the dead ends), and ended up with probably 4 inches gone. I guess it's a good thing I've been growing it out and had plenty of inches to spare. It's less almost-middle-of-my-back and more slightly-below-my-shoulder length now. :-)

-It looks great, but I haven't fixed it myself yet and everyone knows that's the true test of a good haircut.

-The hairdresser didn't comment at all on all the gray hairs!

-AND she thought I was a student (which is why she looked at me funny when I said I have two small children). She said my face looks young.

-Apparently she did not see the deep, dark, sleep-deprived circles under my eyes.

-Maybe she needs glasses.

-And my 5-year-old needs to quit acting like a 6-month-old and SLEEP already.

-And now I have to go see why my kids (who should be sleeping) are in the bathroom flushing the toilet and laughing. Nothing good can come of this.

Brain Dump

I should be going to bed, but my brain won't shut off, so I thought I'd come write down all the thoughts on my mind. My friend, Andrea, calls this a brain dump, and she just did one herself. Warning: This will be random.

-Christmas is probably the time I miss my family the most. I love having our little family together and having less stress involved in the entire holiday experience, but I miss seeing my extended family and celebrating the traditions we have. We're making new traditions and memories here, though, that will be part of our family history from now on.

-I love my kids. They are so funny sometimes! Caleb told me today, "Someday I'll be taller than Daddy. That will be on Friday." I don't know where he gets this stuff.

-Caleb is doing great with learning to read. He's really picking it up, but he hates doing it. I have to set the timer for 10 minutes for our "learning to read" time, and that's about all he'll give me. But he can read several little readers on his own, so I guess we're doing good. It's so cool to see him learning!

-Some kid was pounding on Caleb last week at an indoor playground I took them to. He was a good head shorter than Caleb and "meaner than a snake" (that's some good Texas lingo there!). He had been chasing my boys and kicking at them and kind of slapping at them, but when he cornered Caleb and began punching him I stepped in (like any good Texas mama would do!). I told him to stop hitting and kicking (I have no idea what adult was there with him because I never saw them). Every time he would start to do something to Caleb, he would look over to see if I was watching (I was), and he would stop. Seriously, people, discipline goes a long way. And kids need it!

-I love my prayer journal and how it keeps me organized about my prayers (and actually remembering to pray for people I've told I would!). You can find my favorite one here (a GREAT Christmas gift!): http://www.amazon.com/Prayers-My-Heart-Debbie-Williams/dp/1582295581/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292250922&sr=8-1

-I don't know why I didn't bring my Willow Tree Nativity with me. I miss it. :-( We only brought one small box of Christmas decorations since we weren't sure what size apartment we'd have.

-We have Lego's everywhere. (which I love)

-We also have books everywhere. (also love) (It's really amazing how many boxes of books I left in storage in Texas.)

-I've still been doing my Scripture Memory, but I haven't been blogging about it. I'll do an end-of-the-year catch-up post on that soon.

-I am still amazed how much my boys think potty talk and noises are hilarious. It starts early. They already laugh at the sound a ketchup bottle makes when you squeeze it. It's only downhill from here.

-I have this feeling that God is preparing us for something big (us being our family). I don't have any idea what it is, but I just feel an anticipation about something. I'll let you know if I ever figure out what it is. ;-)

-I am so excited to be counting down the weeks until we're on Texas soil and I'm spending time with my sister and nieces and mom and dad and grandmothers and...everyone else!

-I am also excited about the fact that the weather will be cooler there than it is here. I have almost no clothing for cool weather, but, thankfully, I have friends who do! I'm not sure my arms will know what to do being covered up. And my feet will surely go into shock when they have to wear shoes and socks. I've worn flip flops every day for the past 18 months.

-Can you believe we've lived in Singapore for 18 months, 1 week, and 2 days? Crazy.

-Apparently I forgot to tell my mom that our contract here in Singapore had been officially extended. Oops. ;-)

-I was surprised when I took a spiritual gifts analysis recently to find out my "greatest" spiritual gift is showing mercy. After thinking about it, it completely makes sense. My husband just thought I was a bleeding heart, and now I tell him all the time, "IT'S MY GIFT!" :-)

-I really do have a heart for the hurting, especially orphans. I feel like that might be a bigger part of my life in the future. Again, not sure how. Still listening.

-People ask me all the time if we are going to have any more children. They are just curious, and that is totally fine. My answer is always, "I don't know." It's definitely something we're praying about. So, if you were wondering, there's your answer. Only God knows. Literally.

-Caleb is finally to the age where I can read chapters of some easy books to him, and I am loving it! We read Beverly Cleary's Two Times the Fun last week, and today we started Roald Dahl's Danny the Champion of the World. I can't wait to be able to read The Chronicles of Narnia and loads of other books to my boys. Their attention spans are growing, so it won't be too many years before they are ready for that.

-We're having fun each night doing our Advent Jesse Tree. The boys love taking turns putting the ornaments on our tree. And I love going through God's story of redemption during this season of Advent, from creation to the birth of His Son, sent to this earth to rescue us from our sins. It's so cool how everything in the Bible fits together!

-Church last Sunday was amazing. The full combined choirs from the English, Filipino, and Indonesian congregations together was stunning. A wonderful Christmas celebration! Our church has 51 nations represented, and it is so cool to experience that!

Ok, I think that's about all the random stuff I can pour out of my brain. Maybe I can sleep now. :-)

Were You Wondering, Too?

A friend emailed me recently and said something to the effect of, "Your blog sounds like you're doing great, but how are you really doing?" (Thanks, Lisa!) I emailed back and told her that was definitely an email from someone who's lived on the other side of the world before, and someone who also currently lives away from her family. :-)

So, in case you were wondering how I'm really doing, too, here it is.

I'm actually doing well. :-) I do have a tendency to protect my family from any sadness and hard times I might feel by not going into tremendous detail, especially when they are so far away and can't do a thing about it!

I do have moments/sections of days that are really sad. I miss my family so much. I miss my friends so much. I miss loading my kids in the car, driving to Target, strapping them both in a basket, and walking around getting the things I need. And knowing where those things are in the store.

I'm tired of carrying Levi on my back everywhere we go (unless Justin's with us, then he does it). I'm tired of going to the grocery store and only being able to get as much as I can carry with a child on my back and chasing after a straying 3-year-old.

We're finally moving out of that stage where it feels like a vacation. We've been here for 3 1/2 weeks now, so the reality of it all is starting to sink in.

But, overall, I'm really glad to be here. Honestly. I'm in a very healthy place emotionally and mentally, which is what I prayed for so often last Spring when I wasn't. And what so many people have been praying for me!

Do I wish I could call my mom 4 times a day and ask her any number of questions and tell her random things the boys are doing? Yes! Do I wish I was going to be there when my sister goes into labor sometime in the next few weeks? Of course! Do I wish I could go get Sonic Jr. Candy Sundaes and go hang out with my friend, Kim, and her sweet kids? You betcha!

But that's where we're at right now, and I'm okay with that. God has really blessed us and given us friends here already that care about us and are going through this experience at the same time. We definitely feel protected and loved. And we are!

So, thanks for all your concern, spoken or not. I'm sure things will get harder in some ways and easier in others. There will still be sad times about things I'm missing back home, and there will be special things we'll experience here that never would have been possible there.

And did you know that you can fly from Houston to Singapore for under $700. It's true. :-)

Come see us! We have a guest room that we'd love to fill anytime!

It's Christmastime...Here's How I Know

1) We are finally putting up our tree. Ornaments are disappearing left and right, and I find parts of them on the ground and go in search of the culprit (Levi).

2) I am spending an obscene amount of time saying, "That does not go in your mouth." (Maybe that doesn't mean it's Christmastime, but Levi was just in here with two wooden ornaments, one of which he put in his mouth, so I think it counts.)

3) IT SNOWED TODAY!!! In SE Texas! Amazing. It didn't stick, of course, because it was about 75 degrees sometime yesterday, but it was pretty neat nonetheless. We definitely don't see that often.

4) Our tree is now, after 20 hours or so, only decorated on the top 2/3 of the tree. Christmas with toddlers, it is a joy.

5) I finally made our Christmas cards and ordered them at CVS. They were ready last night, but it's been too cold for me to want to dress the kids warmly, bundle them up, drive in the sleeting rain to CVS, get the kids out in the stinkin' cold, try to keep them from touching EVERY.THING.IN.THE.STORE, hurry back to the car in the stinkin' cold sleeting rain, and drive home to address them. If you're expecting a Christmas card from us, it'll be a while.

6) My put-together, organized, pregnant-with-a-toddler-in-tow sister had her Christmas cards out last week. Show off.

7) The Christian radio station here is playing Christmas music 24/7. I love that! Not that I ever hear it because I only listen to the radio in the car and we don't get out much (see #5). When we do get out, I have a 3yo and a 1yo in the car. I don't hear much of the radio.

8) We're doing a Jesse Tree this year, so each night we read a little devotional and open that day's ornament. A group of us got together and made one day's ornament (25 of them) and then each got to take home one for each day. We are loving doing this with Caleb. It's such a great way to reinforce the Bible stories and prepare to celebrate Jesus' birth!

Excercising

I don't particularly enjoy exercising. It's really the sweating that I don't really care for. But, I went to the gym three days last week, so that's a pretty big accomplishment for me. My goals are to lose about 20 pounds by the boys' birthday(s) in September, and more long-term...to be in great shape before we move to Singapore. There's nothing worse than being fat AND hot, especially in a place not far from the equator where walking is a major form of transportation.

That's all. Just random thoughts from my head.

Singapore, A Wedding, and This and That

For two years now we've been in limbo about the whole Singapore thing. Will we move there? Will we not? How long?

I wish I could say we have some answers, but we really don't have anything concrete. It looks like we will be moving there next summer (2009) for a year to 18 months. I say we'll be there 18 months to 2 years because I have yet to see a project finish on time. I'm just preparing myself. (By the way, if you see my mom, don't mention any of this to her. She's in serious denial. I think she'll be at Ava's house every week that we're gone to get her grandbaby fix!)

And, in perfect segue...my grandmother is getting married tomorrow. First, let me say I'm really happy for her. Second, let me say it's weird. My grandfather died right after I got married 5 1/2 years ago, and my grandmother is really young, so I'm glad she found someone she loves spending time with. But, I just don't think you expect to see your grandmother get married. I don't know this man really well (but I know he's a great man and former minister), and I think it'll be a little awkward for a while when we visit her. This man is the only great-grandfather-figure my kids will ever know. Both mine and Justin's grandfathers died long before our kids were born. Anyway, that's all I'll say about that.

Justin's mom is coming to visit next week, and we are super excited! The boys don't get to see Mimi very often, so this is a real treat. Levi doesn't even look like the same child since we saw her last. It'll be fun to see the boys with her.

And did you hear that my best friend is pregnant??? :-) She's due the day after Christmas when it'll be, oh, about 50 below in Alaska. Congrats, Dave and Lisa!!

This Story Saddens Me

Have you heard about the study of girls aged 14 to 19 and the number of STDs they have?

Read the news story here.

My New Favorite Song

Note: There are a few graphic images of the crucifixion...if you have little ones with you, you might want to wait.

Edited to Add: It's "God With Us" by Mercy Me. Just beautiful!

It's a Daily Struggle

Life is pretty hard right now. When Justin was in Singapore last, I realized that I was suffering from postpartum depression and needed to get some help, which is what I've done and am continuing to do. I don't think anyone was surprised by this news, especially my mother and sister who both had been thinking I had PPD but didn't know how to tell me. It's hard to tell someone you think they are suffering from depression. I really had been watching myself for the signs because, as my counselor says, I'm a pretty self-aware person, but I really thought I was just sleep-deprived. "If I could just get some sleep, everything would be better," I kept telling myself. (I am sleep-deprived, but it's much more than that!)

But when I really began to look at my life over the past few months, I began to realize that I had emotionally checked out a lot of the time and become pretty irritable the rest of the time. I was (and still am) having a hard time concentrating on things and getting my brain to focus. Taking the boys anywhere seemed like a monumental task. And Caleb started getting very irritable and angry with me...mirroring his mother's behavior back to her!

So, in the interest of honesty and in order to preserve these memories, good, bad, or indifferent, I'm sharing this with all of you. That's why I haven't been around much lately. I've had to take a step back. Most of the time I don't have the energy or care to be at the computer. And I've had to stop reading a lot of the blogs I used to read because I have a severe case of "I don't measure up to other people's expectations" syndrome. I've had to take a hard look at myself and what I expect. My expectations for myself have been completely out-of-whack.

I kept beating myself up for not doing what I expected I should be able to do. "Look at so-and-so...she's homeschooling 10 kids and I can't even get all three of us dressed on most days. What's wrong with me?" These are the kinds of thoughts that have been rampant in my head in the past months. Not very helpful!

I'm working with my doctor, and I hope the roller coaster of emotions will slow down soon. It's already gone from a huge, dipping roller coaster to a more smooth one. There are still good days and bad days and bad weeks, but I haven't cried all day in three weeks, so that's definitely an improvement!

For now, I'm continuing to see a counselor to work on my expectations and coping skills for the things that are putting the most stress on me right now.

It's getting better. But every single day is a struggle to do the things I don't feel like doing. Some days I succeed. And some days I don't. But that's okay.

I'm getting help. And I desperately need it.

Silence and Stillness

Ann, who always inspires me when I read her writing, had this quote at her place yesterday.

"Silence is imperative...

We are going to be quiet with One who has everything to tell us...

His voice is so still, His deepest contacts so imperceptable,

that only in quiet can we perceive them.

The Holy Spirit educates us in inner stillness,

and it for lack of this that most spiritual lives are

so crude & shallow & vague."

~Evelyn Underhill

There is little or no silence and stillness in our house these days. There is much noise. Whether it's crying from the baby, screaming/talking/fussing/laughing from Caleb, the CD player or TV providing background noise (as if we need it), or my own head full of thoughts, quiet is hard to find. I'm craving that right now. My relationship with God is feeling crude and shallow and vague these days. I have a million excuses for not spending time with Him, and, of course, at the top of that list is that I'm so very tired.

But I need to spend time with Him. I'd be less tired. I'd be able to handle Caleb's tantrums better and with more patience. I'd be a better friend/neighbor/sister/daughter/wife/mother.

Since Levi decided our day was starting at 6am this morning after being up every two hours, I was reading in my Daily Light book while I ate breakfast. Today's Scriptures were all about being satisfied in Him.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." ~Matthew 5:6

"He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness." ~Psalm 107:9

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, and You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light." ~Psalm 36:7-9

Today I seek quiet moments with Him.

My Heart Hurts

Do you ever hurt so badly for what someone else is going through that you can hardly stand it? Justin and I have two (separate) people who are very close to us that are really hurting right now. They are in the kinds of situations that you want so badly to make better but there's nothing you can really say or do to take away the pain. We pray. A lot. We pray that they would run to God during this time in their lives, instead of away from him. We pray for restored relationships. We pray for renewed trust. And we pray that God will strengthen them through this dark time, even when it seems nothing good could possibly come of it.

We offer our love and support, which seems so inadequate.

And we pray for miracles for the people we love.

It's Just One of Those Days

...where I feel like everyone has it together but me. I know they don't ('cause I know that's what you're gonna say in the comments), but I have it so "not together" these days that it's pitiful.

The last two days Justin has worked approximately noon-midnight, so I've been asleep when he gets home. Today I saw him for about 30 minutes before he had to go to work, and I'm not sure when he's coming home. Oh, and I did mention that he's leaving in a few short days and will be gone for a month? I did? Well, it's worth repeating.

I'm stressed, I'm sad, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm so very tired. I pretty much stay teary-eyed at the thought of being by myself. I know God will get us through this; I'm just not looking forward to it. AT ALL. After enduring the year-long on and off separation with Justin's last project, this should seem like a piece of cake. But we didn't have a child then. And I wasn't pregnant. Oh, wait...yes I was. *sigh*

But, I am excited that my sister's moving here! And my parents are coming in tonight to watch Caleb while Justin and I attend a wedding tomorrow night and attempt some sort of three-weeks-early-5th-anniversary-celebration since he'll be gone on the actual date. (in 5 years, we've only been in the same STATE/COUNTRY on our anniversary 3 times. Isn't that just sad?) I remember hearing when Faith Hill and Tim McGraw got married that they promised to never spend more than 3 days apart (or something like that). I've decided that's only possible if you have a bajillion dollars and a nanny. Or your husband has a job where he doesn't have to travel. EVER.

I'm not sleeping well. I think it's about 50% due to stress and 50% due to this I CAN'T GET COMFORTABLE pregnancy loveliness.

And then there's Caleb, who one minute is sweet as can be with his big blue eyes looking at me saying, "I love you, mommy," and the next minute is bringing me a bowl full of water-soaked dog food that he's been playing with for who knows how long because I fell asleep on the couch during "Caillou." It's amazing I don't have slight heart attacks every other day with that boy around. :-)

Ok, I'm sorry y'all had to endure this depressing post and my little pity party, but I feel better after getting it out. Thanks for indulging me. Oh, and please, please keep praying for us.

Well, Caleb's napping and my hips hurt too bad to go lie down, so I'd better take a shower. (Those are my options during nap time...rest or shower. Priorities, people. Justin will be glad that today's a shower day.) ;-)

Impressed

Wednesday night, Justin and I attended a team-building dinner for his group at work and their spouses. The guest speaker for the night was one of the founders of the company, who told us a little about the history of why they decided to start an engineering company in the late 80s when lots of companies were folding because of the oil and gas crisis. He said their vision for the company was always based on the concept of servant leadership. At this point, I'm thinking "Wow. I've never heard anyone outside of a church talk about servant leadership." He even quoted Philippians 2:2-4.

I was quite impressed! He said that as employees of this company, you should be looking at how you can serve your co-workers, vendors, clients, etc. I was especially amazed when someone asked a question about why the company had been so successful through the oil and gas crisis and he replied, "It was God."

I came away with a new appreciation for the company that Justin works for, and an appreciation for these men that have held to their values (something he also talked a lot about) in the fast-paced corporate world, even when no one else around them has done so. And God gets all the glory.

Quite impressive, don't you think?

Things I've Learned Recently

• A little boy who misses his daddy will become very clingy to his mommy.
• A second pregnancy can be much different emotionally than the first one.
• My Aggies are not as invincible in basketball as we'd all like them to be. *sigh*
• Having family around to help with Caleb and cooking is a wonderful rare treat!
• My body seems to like the look of being pregnant and has decided that at almost 3 months pregnant I should look like I'm 6 months pregnant. I'm leaning toward the fact that I'm carrying twins, but I'm pretty sure that's not true. :-)
• There's no joy like a toddler who says, "uh joo." (translation: love you)
• Taking care of said super cute toddler while growing another child inside my body is not an easy thing.
• If you have a septic tank (which my parents do) and it rains A LOT you might not be able to take a shower or flush the toilets for quite some time.
• Driving around my hometown where there are fields and cows and OPEN LAND is so refreshing...quite a break from the concrete jungle of the big city!
• If I forget to mention "GaGa" (Grandma) in Caleb's nightly prayer, he'll remind me.